This is a weary venting post, so just ignore it if you’re not okay reading this sort of thing right now.
Three months ago last week I had surgery to remove my right ovary. After months of consistent cysts, I scheduled surgery to have it removed. Lo and behold, my right ovary was, at a bare minimum, 4 times bigger than my left ovary. It was full of cysts and my doctor also found a significant amount of scar tissue, or adhesions, within my pelvic cavity as well. I talked with multiple other gynecologists after that surgery and one even said he wanted to put me on a mini birth control pill to keep my left ovary from developing cysts.
However, because of how seriously unbalanced my hormones are right now, and because my entire system is still fighting again a Mono/CMV flare up, I am glad I didn’t go with his advice. A birth control pill would only make things worse. But, since surgery, it has been a deep seated fear of mine that my left ovary would start getting cysts just like my right. Since surgery, my cycles have been like clock work (which doesn’t even make sense considering how much stuff is going wrong with my body right now) and every month has felt like my body has been trying to cause a cyst. Well, this past Monday, that is what happened; my left ovary had what I believe to be a cyst that then ruptured in the evening on Monday. From the pain it caused, I’d be willing to say that it was close to the size of the cyst that sent me to the ER back in January.
Endometriosis sucks. Ovarian cysts suck. I am in a lose lose situation right now as I feel like it’s a valid point to consider it my Mirena IUD causing the cysts. Even though I had my tubes removed a year and a half ago, I got the Mirena to manage periods. So I could get the iud taken out, and hopefully no more cysts? But then I’d be dealing with massively painful and extremely heavy periods. OR. I could keep the iud in, have barely any bleeding during a period and no extra pain, but probably keep having cysts.
I know I’ve talked about how fashion/beauty products help when my insides feel like they are wrapped in barbed wire. The past two weeks though have been at an even higher level of discomfort and pain. My go-to’s for clothes have been bralettes because having anything tight or even fitted putting any sort of pressure around my ribs is excruciating. And t-shirt dresses or swing dresses have also been my first choice. My abdomen has been swollen and painful due to the 6 days of antibiotics I did for strep throat, and then the ovarian cysts made having any sort of pressure around my waist extremely uncomfortable. It’s a special kind of exhausting to look at your wardrobe and pick out clothes based on where they put pressure or don’t.
I am so worn out and just exhausted. It has been non stop health issues since the first week of January 6 months ago. I wonder how much of this is my body going okay you took care of the mental trauma last year, and now we’re going to dump all the health issues on you because you’re strong enough now. The hardest part is realizing how many of my health issues have been there for a very long time and no doctor ever caught them. I am feeling like it’s a higher and higher chance that I have chronic Epstein Barr, meaning it’s chronically flared up and I have a constant flow of EBV symptoms that never really go away. This would make sense with how I am pretty much back to my “normal” and I know there’s no way a full blown Mono/CMV flare up would die down that quickly.
I’d love to go a month without having doctors appointments every week or even several times during a week. Heck, I’d love to go two weeks without having to get blood drawn, or sit across from my doctor going over lab results and having another chronic diagnosis thrown at me. Let’s see, I’m up to four chronic illnesses now?
Gluten intolerance/possibly celiacs
Estrogen dominance/hormonal imbalance
I sort of long for the days I thought I *just* had fibro. Oh the ignorance is bliss sort of thing. But even then, looking back, I never ever felt healthy, or whole, or like I could do anything I wanted because I had energy/spoons to spare. I have been wrestling with all of these unknown chronic illnesses for most of my life and that fact alone makes me want to curl up in a hole and disappear. There aren’t any cures! There aren’t any quick fixes. There isn’t any way for me to suddenly feel fine and like I have some sort of quality of life back. I’m just worn out.